Why are chicks such bitches?

We've all heard men lamenting that women are rude/mean/dismissive of them when they're just being nice and trying to have a chat. "Why oh why are women such bitches?! I'm one of the nice guys!" (That's usually Nice Guy (TM)). Have you ever wondered why women in bars and clubs and at sporting events and at the tram stop and in the lunch room don't want to talk to you? Here's a few reasons:

1. Just because a woman is there, and you find her attractive, doesn't mean she is obliged to have a friendly, smiley chatette with you. She does not exist for your entertainment. This does not make her a mean bitch, it does not make all women bitches; it makes that woman a person who doesn't want to talk to you, get the hint.

2. Women are taught from a very young age that if we are sexually assaulted, it will probably be considered our own fault because we were wearing a short skirt, or flirting with a guy, having a drink with a guy, showing interest in a guy. "It's not my fault Your Honour, she was smiling and being friendly to me, I thought she wanted sex! And when she was too drunk to say no and my dick just fell into her, well I thought she was enjoying it. And besides, just look at all the character witnesses telling you that I'm really a Nice Guy!" Living with this day in, day out, kind of puts one's guard up. You might not be a rapist, but how does she know that? Is being nice to you worth the risk that if you are, everyone will say she was asking for it?

3. Even if it never comes to the point of sexual assault, many women are pretty sick and tired of men who just don't get the frickin' hint. You share one friendly chat and they're all over you like a rash for the rest of the night, regardless of whether you want them there or not. And they do this because they feel entitled to it. They believe that because you were friendly once, you might have sex with them, and they're not giving up until they get their God-given right! Sometimes its for a man's own good that women are bitches in the first place. Heaven forbid we be accused of leading a bloke on.

3. Maybe the bitchy chick is sick and tired of being treated like crap by men who leer and drool if they find her good looking, and disregard her completely if they don't. How does she know you're not just another pig?

These are just some of the reasons why women might be mean to you, when you're just trying to start up a friendly conversation. I'm not saying it's ok for women to be rude or nasty to men just because inequality exists. What I'm saying is that there is a lot of learned experience that goes into being a woman that men are often blissfully unaware of. This is some of that learned experience, and sometimes it results in chicks being bitches. In case you were wondering.

Fairfax Fail

At the moment I'm reading Judas Rose, the second in the Native Tongue series by Suzette Elgin. One central idea running though the series is that language shapes reality. I'm enjoying these books in that way one enjoys reading things that reinforce beliefs one already holds. For many years I've been of the opinion that the language we use reflects and shapes how we think, and that changing that language can help change the way we think.

As such the language used in the media relating to women really freaking shits me off. This piece of Fairfax reporting was a real corker.

Let's start with the headline "Girl sells sister, 7, to gang rapists in flat 13C". The active voice used for the 'girl sells sister' sets up the blame for the rape on the 'girl' (15 year old sister), while rapists remain passive to the rape. It's almost as if those gang rapists were sitting around minding their own business in flat 13C until some 'girl' came around to barter with them, and heck, there was nothing else to do so they bought. Can we think of a better headline? How about 'Men gang rape sisters', because if you actually get past the victim blaming in the article, you see they were both in fact raped.

The first half of the article is full of shock-horrors that the 15 year old could do such a thing, and wanting to get her tried as an adult, because she was 'paid' for her sister's rape. It's all set up as the big nasty sister sold the child, and isn't she evil! No one seems all that concerned that actually raping children is evil, that the men who committed these crimes are evil.

When you get through all that you finally read that the sister was also raped. But that's not mentioned, no, apparently she 'sold sex'. Deep breath, here we go again Fairfax, having sex with a child is rape, whether they 'consent' or are paid or what. The age of consent in New Jersey is 16 (if the other person is over 18), since both 'boys and men' were involved, I think 'was allegedly raped' would be a better term than 'sold sex' for gods sake!! The big sister in this story sounds like a messed up kid who was abused by a group of men, it's rape.

So we have two girls, one older, one younger. The older one is already being abused by these men, then they abuse the little sister too. Does no one bother to wonder what situation the older sister was in that this is where she ended up, with her little sister? What actual agency did this girl have? What actual power did she have in this situation? Not much I'm betting.

It is of course not the job of the news reporter to speculate on this sort of thing, but the way the whole article is set up puts the focus squarely on the conduct of the 15 year old child, instead of the goddamn rapists. The article reads like the rapists are periphery to the whole thing, passive, just doing what men do.

Nothing like the threat of sexual assault to keep yo ass movin'

This morning I'm at the gym (applause please! thank you!) puffing away on the treadmill. A young woman hops on the treadmill next to me. After a couple of minutes a staff member comes up, he's clearly her personal trainer. They chat a bit, I puff a lot. He cranks up the incline on her treadmill. She's climbing that hill for what seems like forever. She's starting to get puffed and struggling, his job is to encourage her: "Just 60 seconds to go!" - "You can do it!" - "Just imagine there's a creepy guy chasing you down a dark street! He's going to attack you! You can't stop running!"

Wait, hang on. WTF?!?!

Her response was muted by her gasping for breath, but I think she sort of laughed. I wasn't laughing. I was upset. Do I really need to be reminded of threat of sexual assault during my morning workout? And what about the chick?! Does this guy know her well enough to know that she's never been assaulted, or that her sister hasn't been, or whatever? Is the threat of sexual assault a valid personal training method?? Is it something that's ok to joke about?

What a crock.

I told some of my girlfriends, the resident gym junkie in my little possie seemed to think I was overreacting because women getting attacked by strangers is rare...rare I suppose compared to women getting attacked by men they know. Which is true.

But I still don't feel my upset was an overreaction. I told a few other people and they had the exact same response as me. Which felt good. Because I need validation of my opinions.

So I sent the gym a complaint. I figured it was kind of my responsibility to mention that I found the comment completely inappropriate in a professional setting, because other women who may be far more affected by that kind of thing than me might not be in a position to want to bring it up with management. And even not considering that, it upset me as a woman, and I don't usually keep my mouth shut when something bothers me :-D

I have had no response to my complaint as of yet. Now I am worried they think I'm some feminazi freak and that I'll get sniggers and snide looks next time I'm there. But I'm just going to have to believe in myself and be confident in my standing up for what I believe in. And who are we kidding, I am a feminazi freak :-D

Bra burning, repair men and rape culture

Bras. I hate them. Wherever they came from, they remind me of something very Victorian and very restrictive. With their nasty little hooks, their inadequate straps, their rigid underwire; yes I have been properly fitted, thanks for asking. My bras are as comfortable as is possible for bras, I just find them generally physically and intellectually unpleasant. Wriggling out from my bra while still fully clothed is the first thing I do every evening when I get home from work.

Bras. Talk about the gender pay gap - $50 for a decent bra! And they only last 6 months. Someone's making a packet here and it ain't the little fingers putting them together in a South Asian factory. Buying bras is one of my pet hates - you're a 10DD? Really? Er I don't think we have anything in that size. You could try a 12D, it's the same - it's not, it's really not, it just means the back strap is too loose and hence stretches out even quicker, and the underwire cuts into some major veins supplying blood to my heart. Because I spent much of university selling swim ware to women of all shapes and sizes, and doing a damn good job of it, I feel particular disdain for unhelpful bra fitters. Apparently to be less of a hassle to shop assistants I should either have some ribs removed, or put on 10kgs and move into the nanna range. And don't get me started on the fact that the types of bras available to women are based entirely on their breast size!

Bras. They make a statement. The story of feminists burning their bras in the 1960s (whether or not its true or was widespread or whatever) has entered the public consciousness. I used to think those women felt the same way I did about bras - that they were uncomfortable and expensive. But the other day I had an experience that deepened my understanding of why bra burning may be a powerful statement. Here it is:

The smoke alarm needed fixing recently, so I got to 'work from home' between 8 am and 5 pm waiting for Warren the repair man to arrive. One of the reasons I love working from home is that I get to sit around in my trackies sans bra. Warren phoned at 9 am (good service!) and said he was half an hour away. I was wearing track pants, slippers and one of Mr T's baggy t-shirts - no bra of course. I looked down at myself, my ample bust hanging the way it does, and it was clear I wasn't wearing a bra. I wouldn't mind opening the door to a repair man while wearing slippers, or even a dressing gown, but the obviousness of my lack of bra set off a chain of thought in my mind that went something like this:

Repair man coming, home alone - risk of sexual assault - do everything you can to reduce this risk (maybe call Mr T while repair man here?) - no revealing clothing - you're not wearing a bra - no bra equals state of undress - state of undress plus tradie equals invitation for sexual assault.

I put on a bra. I felt silly, but I put it on. Why had I thought that not wearing a bra was a state of undress? From head to toe I was wearing baggy clothing, but I felt undressed.

Do we find the natural female shape somehow unacceptable for public consumption? (Eating disorders and plastic surgery anyone?) Maybe what those bra burners were getting at (apart from their desire not to wear uncomfortable and expensive boob corsets) was that bras are primarily designed to squeeze and mold the female form into something more desirable to the male gaze. Even glimpsing the curve of unshackled female breasts is so unacceptable that not wearing a bra felt to me to be akin to not wearing anything at all! When anybody but Mr T sees me without a bra I feel like they are seeing, uninvited, my true, naked form instead of the fantasy that my breasts are perfectly round, gravity defying, and sitting just below my collar bone.

I don't think its quite the same if you have relatively small breasts. Mum loves letting her A-cups free under a skimpy singlet, but I think she'd be quite disgusted, yes disgusted, if I presented my DDs without 'support' - she thinks "big titty wop wops" are gross. No that attitude totally didn't affect me during adolescence, thanks for asking. But I digress. Some women with small breasts don't like going without a bra either because they equally feel that the natural shape of their breast is inadequate. Hum so maybe it is the same.

Bras. Burn em all.

The chain of thought associated with my state of dress and the repair man not only got me thinking about bras, it got me thinking about rape culture. How messed up is it that having a repair man come to my house while I was alone automatically made me go through the almost unconscious reducing-the-risk-of-sexual-assault checklist. I don't assume that every man is a rapist. But I do not walk on dark streets at night, I call friends when in taxis alone, don't drink too much with blokes you don't know etc etc. These things might seem like normal, risk-reduction activities sure, but they're part of a culture where women are repeatedly reminded that they are at risk, and that it is their responsibility, and in their power, to stop men raping them.

How many times have women been blamed for being raped - She walked down THAT street at 2 am, seriously what was she thinking?? Well getting into a cab by yourself is a risk, we all know that!! Well why did she think they were hanging around buying her drinks? Derr!! This is part of rape culture. Where hem lines rape people, not rapists. Rape culture puts the onus almost completely on the victim to prevent sexual assault. I think my putting on a bra was, in a small way, part of that culture. A culture that says that if I open the door to a tradesmen in a state of undress (not hoisted and molded for acceptable public consumption) then I'm pretty much enacting a porno and asking for it, so what the hell would I expect.

I'm not saying that this is what anyone would think, I'm just trying to pick apart my own chain of thought from that morning. And of course there are so many issue here, like how women are far far far more likely to be assaulted by someone they know etc.